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Leg Raps ein, nie Spargel.
Tragt, tut, siebt bei Stuttgart.
Rede, Iwan, intim mit Nina wieder.
Ein´Ledergurt trug Redel nie.

Wieviel macht Bismarck, Polizeimann, Zahnarzt und Kaiser Wilhelm zusammen?

Vier?

Nein.

Kaiser Wilhelm und Bismarck waren eins, Polizeimann macht acht und Zahnarzt macht Zähne. Also zusammen neunzehn!

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody..'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fucking widow.'

Ich, der Penis, beantrage hiermit eine Gehaltserhöhung aus folgenden Gründen:

Ich arbeite körperlich

Ich arbeite in großen Tiefen

Ich stürze mich, Kopf voraus, in meine Arbeit

Ich habe Wochenenden und Feiertage nicht frei

Ich arbeite in einer feuchten Umgebung

Überstunden werden nicht bezahlt

Ich arbeite an einem dunklen Arbeitsplatz, der kaum belüftet wird

Ich arbeite bei hohen Temperaturen

Meine Arbeit setzt mich der Ansteckungsgefahr von Krankheiten aus.

Antwort:

Lieber Penis,

Nach sorgfältigem Bearbeiten und Prüfen Ihres Antrages, ist die Verwaltung zu dem Entschluß gekommen, aus folgenden Gründen abzulehnen:

Sie arbeiten keine 8 Stunden durch

Sie schlafen nach kurzer Arbeitszeit ein

Sie folgen nicht immer den Anweisungen des Managements

Sie arbeiten nicht immer dort wo sie angewiesen wurden, sondern halten sich öfter in anderen Gegenden auf

Sie ergreifen nicht die Initiative, sondern müssen unter Druck gesetzt und freundlich behandelt werden, bevor Sie überhaupt anfangen zu arbeiten

Sie hinterlassen ihren Arbeitsplatz ziemlich dreckig, wenn Sie ihn verlassen

Sie halten sich nicht immer an die Sicherheitsanweisungen, z.B. das Tragen von Schutzkleidung

Sie gehen lange vor 65 in Rente

Sie können keine Doppelschichten übernehmen

Sie verlassen manchmal, den Ihnen zugewiesenen Arbeitsplatz, ohne mit der Arbeit fertig zu sein

Und als ob das noch nicht alles wäre, haben wir Sie auch noch ständig den Arbeitsplatz verlassen sehen, mit zwei eher verdächtig aussehenden Säcken.


Wir verbleiben mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Das Management

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only,' you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange allowed now since the Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet; pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets; Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death,' as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"

"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,
leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing!"